Can do

I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed lately, primarily from pressure I exert on myself. Fun times. I’m looking for a new job, trying to lose weight, trying to figure out how to buy a house, figuring out where that house should be, figuring how the hell we’re going to afford that on one income; you get the idea. None of these are small decisions and I’ve been drowning under a constant feeling of “I can’t do it.”

Typically, I keep most of this to myself, due to the fact that HH has her own set of issues to deal with; Is Skyler ready for potty training, why won’t Lexie’s tooth break through, is there time for one more load of laundry before I pass out and what the hell are we having for dinner. But last night, I was really upset and so I was telling her all this and she stops me and says “Why are you so focused on the things you can’t do?”

And it was one of those moments. It was almost on the tip of my tongue to lash out, but I just said “You’re right.” Clearly, she was not expecting that, lol. She laughed, and was like “How can I even be mad now?”

But she was right. I was focusing on what I can’t do like Gollum on the Ring. Obsessing over it. So, of course, that’s what I was attracting. Can’t do it, can’t do it, can’t do it. Of course I can’t, with an attitude like that.

So I’m trying to focus on what I can do, right now.  I CAN send out my resume like my life depends on it.  I CAN start making better food choices for myself and my family today.  I CAN start a savings program that will help me afford a mortgage and closing costs.  And I can do a little more of each of these every day until the big goals don’t seem so daunting.  I WILL find a new job.  I WILL lose some weight.  And I WILL have almost $10K in a dedicated savings account within a year.

I just have to remember my headlights.  When driving at night, all you can see is the road within your headlights.  You can’t see your final destination, but you know that the road you’re on is taking you in the right direction.  It’s amazing what a little change in perspective can do for your overall frame of mind.  I think I might even see the sun beginning to rise over on the horizon!

Let’s try this again

So I seem to have lost another hunk of time since my last post.  I’ve been feeling the itch to write lately, and today, in the tiny little free newspaper they give out at the ferry that I never normally take, my horoscope said “It’s time to write your book, now that Jupiter’s in Virgo.  Communications are your golden key.  Lecture, blog, craft a website, paint, film and record.”  So, here I am.

So, we had another baby. HH carried this time and we had another wonderful little girl, Lexie Hayden. She’s 9 months old now and she’s just a little bucket of joy. Skyler is enjoying her role as big sister and she just turned 2. See? I told you it’s been awhile.

This right here is pretty much my world:
Family FB_IMG_1427205845975 Lexsmile Skyeyes

Ok, so, we’re all back up to speed. Moving on.

I’ve installed WordPress on my phone so maybe, if it’s right at my fingertips, just maybe I’ll post a little more.

Putting a toe back in the water

So, 2 years have passed since my last post.  I think that goes way beyond slacker and just into “I forgot I had a blog” territory.  Sorry about that, No One.  Cause I’m sure there’s no one left reading this thing, except probably my parents.  Hi, Folks!

I’d like to try to get this thing started again.  So I’ll give the lightning round update to bring us up to speed and then we’ll just carry on from there, k?

September 2011, HH was injured at work, 2 front teeth knocked out.  She will be home on disability for the next 15 months.  (Don’t worry, she’s all OK and fixed up now with some nice titanium implants.)

Got married on 11/10/11.  me n ildi

Celebrated our faces off on 11/11/11.  A good time was had by all.

January 2012, went on our honeymoon to San Diego.  Had an awesome time.

Kept making jelly and had a good amount of success with our business, Sweetie Pies Preserves.


September 2012, got a puppy named Luna.  She is super cute!

luna 2

November 2012 – got Pregnant!!!


April 2013 –  It’s a girl!


June 2013 – HH quits her job to begin her new life as a stay-at-home mommy.  She takes excellent care of the belly and I!  Also, Grandma throws us a baby shower to beat all baby showers!

July 11th, 2013 – I am ridiculously huge…


July 22, 2013 – Skyler Eileen is born!  8lbs, 8oz. and 20.5 inches long at 5:23am.


September 2013 – back to work for me….boooo.  But it’s a necessity.

Balck Dress

And from then until now, we’re just letting Skyler teach us how to be the best mommies we can be!  We’re way more conscious of our budget and all that goes into our bodies so we’ve been making so much more of our own things.  Going forward, I’d like to start posting more on our day-to-day, our DIY adventures and updates on the development of our little lady!

That’s all for now, but hey, it’s a start!

Back in

I lost myself within myself.

Stuffed that amazing 22-year-old

with the world at her feet

into a prison of my own design.

Closed off all the exits.

Stuffed my eyes with books and tv,

shoved smoke in my mouth

and noise in my ears.

Maybe if she can’t sense what

I’m doing,

she will just learn to love

her prison.

I keep throwing new things

down to her, to keep her occupied.

Past the throat that only closes

goes sadness and guilt

and a lock of self-worth

all rolled up into a

black hairball of despair

for her to play with;

dwell on.

Make it so big she can’t get past it.

Swallow more anger

swallow more disappointment

swallow it all down

to weigh upon her chest.

I’m running out of room

to hold it all in.

She’s finding ways to get around me.

She’s leaking out of my pen.

Tells me to force a hook

down into that one-way throat.

She wants to grab the other

end so she can tell me to pull.

Rip out the darkness, the sadness,

the guilt and the anger,

tear out the throat

so a voice can fit out.

Spread my arms out to the heavens,

raise my mouth up in a scream.

It’s going to hurt

worse than anything

to pry open my eyes

and clear out my ears.

But I can’t stay this way

any longer.

She wants to get out.

She deserves to get out.

And once that space is empty,

there won’t be any problems

for the light to find it’s way

back in.

What. Is. The. Problem?!?!

So I’ve been sitting on the edge of my seat for the last week or so, waiting to see if NY is going to allow me to become a first-class citizen by passing the Marriage Equality Bill or not, and all I keep reading about is that there have to be religious carve-outs made, we must protect the churches, gays are going to destroy the earth, etc.  So I thought to myself, “What the hell does this bill actually SAY?”  So i go and find it.  Here it is : Marriage Equality Bill.   (Side note: I CANNOT believe that they actually still type this crap on a typewriter and then scan it in, but whatever.)

So I read this fairly simple, 5-page document and I’m left scratching my damn head.  There are several paragraphs specifically stating that any religious body is explicitly exempt from having to go against any tenet of thier faith which may disagree with allowing same-sex marriage.  Furthermore, it says that their refusal on the grounds of faith is NOT subject to any civil case against them.  Basically, any religious body can tell me to go away and that will be fine and they cannot be sued for it.

Soooooo…..what exactly is the holdup?  All we are asking for is for the government to recognize it.  Churches and synagogues and mosques are more than welcome to tell me to go to hell (as I’m sure they will), and I am 100% fine with that.   I just need the city clerk to say, “Sign here.  And you sign here.  Congratulations.   NEXT!”  That’s it.

It’s simple, in my eyes.  But I’ve read such crazy things this past week, that I can’t even wrap my head around it.  I heard a Senator reference a baker, who, after taking their order AND their money, refused to fulfill an order of cupcakes, because those cupcakes were to be used at a gay function.  The senator thought it was a shame that the baker was forced to  pay the customers legal fees for suing them.  Um, hello??  That is business.  I purchase and pay for something from you.  You decided you don’t feel like doing it and don’t feel like refunding my money.  I sue you to get my money back with damages.  Simple.  But no, the senator said that the “gay agenda” (widely used to refer to all gays, as though we all have a membership and meetings somewhere) would be using our “special rights” to cause all of these frivolous lawsuits and we would be costing the state millions.

It’s like they’ve had to go just THAT FAR with their so-called “logic” that they’re grasping at straws.  Seriously?  Cupcakes?  Come on.

And I swear, if I hear one more idiot say that this country was founded on religion, I will scream. Was NO ONE else awake in high school history class??!?!  Cause I’m fairly certain that this country was founded on religious FREEDOM, which includes the right to practice any religion you choose as well as the right to be free FROM religion.

Please, someone, anyone; give me a reason to deny same-sex marriage rights that is NOT based on religious beliefs and is NOT, “ewwww, gross.”

Fuck it (Things are going great)


So I’m just going to glaze right over the fact that I haven’t posted in 3 months and say Fuck it.  I was alternately too busy to think or too lazy to write any of it down and that’s all there is to it.  No promises on when the next post will come either, cause I don’t have a clue.  Also, I’m moving, so I have no idea where my next meal is coming from, let alone my next blog.

Lets just say life is a little chaotic at the moment, but in the absolute best way possible.  My little side business is taking a slow and steady flight into the unknown.  (Shameless plug in 3, 2, 1….Sweetie Pie’s Preserves)  HH and I are moving.  We found a 3-story condo for rent that has pretty much everything we’ve ever asked for in a house, so yeah, excited might be the understatement of the year.  And once we get all settled up in there, we’re hoping to make some more life changes.   We bought a new car (2011 Hyundai Sonata, if you must know) and we’re really liking that as well.  We’re going camping with our best buddies in less than 2 weeks and I shall roll over another year to 31 very shortly.

All in all, I have absolutely no complaints.  I’m finding that I’m at a point in my life where I refuse to let anyone else bring me down.  I have no room for playing mind games, or trying to figure out why other people stay in the toxic relationships they are in, or for figuring out why friends simply stop speaking to you, or any of the other negative bullshit that goes on on a daily basis.  So fuck it, I’m just trying to let it all roll off me.  And to steal from Stuart Smalley, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me.”  And that’s all there is to it.