thank you for not smoking


ok, so after five years or so of being a ridiculous smoker, i quit. today is my 26th day as a smoke-free human. i am proud of myself. it has not been as bad as i thought but it hasn’t really been a breeze either.

See now, I lived in relative bliss while still a smoker because, for a while, my mother never knew I smoked. Didn’t live at home, no problem. To make a long story short, my mother found out I smoked about 9 months or so ago. Every single solitary time I have spoken to her since then, she has implored me to stop smoking in one way or another. I tolerated this because I could understand her concern. I did not heed her advice because I was usually pufing on a nice delicious Camel Light while she was talking to me. (Joe Camel makes you feel oh-so cool.)

Recently, a distant but still quite young (52) relative suddenly passed away due to smoke related illnesses. This slapped my ass in gear. I don’t wanna die at 52. Hell no, I don’t wanna die at 52. I don’t even wanna die at 82. And I’d like to be able to breathe through all those years. I decided to quit.

(Note: a near-tears phone call from my father also had something to do with this. Nothin quite says I love you like “You better stop that smoking shit cause I’m not supposed to bury you. You’re supposed to bury me.”)

So, I go to the wake of said relative. I smoke the rest of my pack that night. I wake up the next morning and I no longer smoke. Simple. I waited a week so I could really be sure and then i told my mother that I quit, figuring that after 9 months of phone call torture, she can finally rest assured that I have quit.

I have figured wrong.

We still have the same conversation every time we speak.
She asks me, “How is smoking going?”
And I say, “What do you mean? I quit smoking.”
“Oh, well I just wanted to know how that was going.”
“It’s not going at all. I quit.”
“Well, how is that?”
“IT’S FINE!!!!!! I don’t do it anymore so it’s non-existant. Why do you ask me this every time?”
“Ok. I’m sorry. I’ll never talk about it again.”
(*Click*)
End of discussion.

Now, how the fuck did I end up being the bad-guy when all I did was quit smoking, like she asked me to?!?!?
Was I out of line for thinking that quitting smoking could perhaps end the horrific conversations that I was being subject to? How silly was I?

I forgot that mothers were put on this earth to annoy the shit out of you for thier fun and enjoyment.

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