I remember where we were standing
I remember how it felt
2 little girls growing out of their training bras
this little girl breaks furniture, this little girl breaks laws
2 girls together
just a little less alone
this little girl cries wee wee wee
all the way home
– Ani Difranco
So I guess this one is really just for me.
I made a promise to someone 10 years ago today; a promise that I can either fulfill or not fulfill today. And I’m having some trouble deciding what to do.
10 years ago…..
Lying on her living room floor, listening to music, holding hands. Not speaking, just looking into those eyes and wondering what that funny feeling in my belly was for. She felt it too. I know that now. Just not quite like me.
You woke me up, flipped a switch inside me that I hadn’t known was set to off. You turned me on but didn’t know what to do when you decided that I should turn myself off again and I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t go back to sleep. I would not lay back down and act like nothing had happened. I was done being someone else. I finally wanted to be me.
Those lips and that kiss you tried to ignore. I wasn’t having it. It was so much more than just a kiss to me. It was the light bulb over my head, finally finding its light.
‘Just flick it back off; no one’s noticed it’s on yet’, you said.
No. I can’t. It’s not right. I won’t.
I wanted so badly. Wanted you. Wanted an us. Just wanted, for the first time.
You tried, I think. Tried as much as you were able. Each time you tried and then pulled back, it hurt me worse than the last time, though. After awhile, I just wished you’d stop trying, because I knew you could no longer come with me where I was headed. But I wasn’t strong enough to turn you away yet. Each time, I let you back in, hoping, wishing for something other than the nothing that you had to offer.
I can still so easily remember the scent of your shampoo. The placement of each freckle. The feeling of you running your nails up and down my arm. How just a look from you could send me over the edge.
I can also feel the rage I felt when you paraded him in front of me, like some sort of prize. Like I was just something to do when you were bored and no one else was around. He was the one that mattered. I was just a friend.
That’s the rocky path we traveled down. Lost sight of each other after awhile. And soon enough, we walked completely away from each other.
There are still little strings of my heart that you hold, wherever you are. I don’t think that they’ll ever grow back in again. I’ve tied them up into a little knot, like scar tissue, so I can see where I’ve been. Remember how it hurt, and move on.
I have someone now. She has me too. Her light burns with mine. She doesn’t need me to turn it down, only encourages me to turn it up. She stands right next to me, always. She’s not ashamed. She loves me for exactly who I am, flaws and faults and all. She’s never needed me to be anything other than exactly what I already am.
In my own way, I’ve already fulfilled my promise. I don’t feel as though I need to complete your half of it as well. You’ve helped me grow and learn in just as many ways as you’ve set me back.
I don’t think you’re a bad person, you just needed different things.
There’s always that old saying in the back of my head. “If you love something, set it free.”
So today I am able, to finally let you go…..for good.
I’ll only bear the marks on my heart.
Marks of a person who loved and lost, but found the strength to love again.
Thank you, L.