Travel Tips


So I just came across this again.  It’s something I wrote about 4 years ago, right after a particularly horrifying vacation experience.  So I decided to vent my anger in the form of guidelines of what NOT to do on vacation.  Because ALL of these things actually happened on my vacation, which is the main contributing factor the to the level of horrifying that was my vacation.  Enjoy.

Travel Tips

1)      One does not blow snot rockets while in the elevators of multi-billion dollar hotels; or any hotel, for that matter.  One simply does not blow snot rockets.  Period.

2)      One does not constantly complain that you are hot when a) you are in the desert; b) you are AWARE that you are in a desert and c) the only clothing that you chose to bring to wear is black t-shirts, black jeans and black combat boots.  This is your own fault.  I don’t care.

3)      When eating out with a group of people, it is customary to pass around the check and allow people to see the price of their order.  One should not hold onto the check like a Nazi and bark out amounts that people should pay based upon what you think.  If someone orders two full breakfast meals, one should pay for two full breakfast meals.

4)      When one is traveling by car with five people in a five passenger car, it is not acceptable to allot yourself a full one half of the back seat.  One third is your allotment and that is all you should have.  The fact that you find it irritating to close your legs is completely irrelevant in this situation.

5)      If one has allotted themselves one half of the back seat without regard to the other two rear set passengers entirely, one does not take their wrappers and garbage from the food you bought only for yourself and shove it onto the legs of the already uncomfortable passenger sitting next to you.

6)      One shall remain fully clothed while in any traveling vehicle.  Sitting in the cramped back seat is hot enough without someone else sweating all over you.

7)      When insisting upon using a GPS system to navigate around every corner, it is imperative that one already has a firm grasp on the art of spelling.  That $500 machine can’t do a thing for you if you can’t spell your destination.

8)      When one is witnessing a great wonder of nature, such as the Red Rocks canyon, one shall not insist that it looks man-made or from a movie.

9)      When visiting this great wonder of nature, one does not behave in a violent and destructive manner.  One does not throw rocks and attempt to start rock slides when there are people below us.

10)  One should come prepared on vacation, bringing with you any items you feel you may need.  Depending on others and expecting them to carry sunscreen or aloe for you, when you could have easily carried it yourself, is completely rude and inconsiderate.

11)  When you have chosen to depend on others to supply you with what you need, and you have found such people willing to so do, you should use words like Please and Thank you, not Gimme and Now.

12)  When eating at a restaurant, or anywhere for that matter, one should chew with their mouth closed as well as use utensils at all times.  Chewing like a cow and eating with your hands like a barbarian makes other people want to throw up their meals.

13)  When listening in on other peoples conversations, one should not interject with Who, me? every five seconds.  We are not talking about you, nor do you have anything to do with what we were talking about.

14)  When one is to be in a confined space (i.e. car) for a long time, one should always remember to apply liberal amounts of deodorant and other stink-reducing agents.  No one wants to smell you for long periods of time in a small space.

15)  If you have been given the privilege of sitting in the passenger seat for the entire vacation, it is your job to ensure the driver is taken care of.  You do not ignore the driver completely when she asks you for a bottle of water.  You do not hand said bottle of water to the driver as though we are sitting at a table.  The driver is watching the road, keeping you safe.  She does not have time to look at you and figure out that she has to reach under and around your arm in order to secure said bottle of water.  If you cant handle these simple guidelines, don’t sit in the front.

16)  When your friends are gracious enough to share their hotel room with you, one should not come in and trash the room, leaving all your possessions strewn about.  Your boots do not belong in the only 2 foot wide space leading to the bathroom so that some unfortunate soul may trip on them.

17)  One should not blow your nose into a bathroom towel.  The rest of the population uses tissues.  You can too.

18)  When you are a male sharing a room with 4 other females, two of which are lesbians, one of which is a virtual stranger and the last of which is your sister, it is decidedly uncouth to masturbate while they are all sleeping in the room with you.  Furthermore, it is also grossly uncouth to take several 45 minute showers after which you come out stinking worse than when you went in, and the shower-head remains pointed at the wall.  We know what you were doing in there.

19)  If the actions listed in number 16 are completely unavoidable by you, you also do not leave your nose blowing towel, crusted with dried sperm, lying on the floor next to your cot.  And you certainly do not leave that towel there when you pack your things and leave.  You dispose of it, or take it with you.  I don’t expect you to clean up my tampons.  Don’t expect me to clean up your cum-rag.

20)  One does not smoke an entire pack of your travel mates cigarettes and then throw 4 cigarettes at that person, claiming This should cover it, right?  No, you are 16 cigarettes short.

21)  One does not wear shirts promoting suicide.  At any time.  Or any place.

22)  One does not brag about how funny it is that their friends wont drink out of the cups in your house because they are afraid of getting AIDS.

23)  One does not have glaringly loud conversations on the phone when you are discussing rubbing cows blood on someones vagina for the purpose of bullfighting.  This is disgusting, and not in the least bit interesting.

24)  One does not leave their cell phone at full volume overnight when you know that your phone sounds like a circus.  One also does not ignore this circus phone when it is going off repeatedly by your head and others are trying to sleep.

25)  One does not adjust the temperature of the room without asking the rest of the occupants.  Just because you were stupid enough to burn yourself to a crisp does not make it OK to have the room at sub-degree temperatures.

26)  If one is planning on approaching large black men and asking for drugs, one does not have the right to demand that someone come with you.  You are the stupid one; go be stupid on your own.

27)  If someone has laid out money for you, pay them back with money.  One should not try to pay for something of lesser value and make it equal.  It is not the same thing.  If a person laid out cash, they get cash in return.  No excuses.

28)  When your travel mates have provided all luxuries for a long car ride such as a cooler, water, ice, Gatorade, sunscreen, maps, aloe, aspirin and not to mention, the car, one should be grateful that they have been taken care of so well and should offer to offset some of the costs of providing those luxuries.

29)  When three members of the traveling group notice that we are out of water and proceed to buy themselves some, the remaining two should also buy water for themselves rather than thinking Oh, I’ll just have some of theirs.

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