Lieutenant Dan, you got new legs!


So, for probably the last 9 months or so, I have been having trouble with my feet.  They used to only hurt when I gt up first thing in the morning and then, by the time I was done with my shower, it was all gone and I’d forget about it.  then it started lasting a little longer into the morning.  Then snowboarding season started and I was a little better this year, so I was trying more daring stuff, like jumping.  And as we all know, what goes up must come down, and come down hard.  My toes would jam into the front of my boots when I would land and the whole bottom of my feet would go numb.  And since my feet are the only point of contact with the damn board, this made things fairly difficult sometimes.  So I’d take off the boots, stretch out the feet and go back for some more pain.  I’m smart, I know.

Then snowboarding season was over, but for some reason, my feet still hurt.  They hurt when I got out of bed, they hurt when I got up from any length of sitting whatsoever, they hurt to walk.  My mother is praying for my soul cause she thinks I have diabetes at this point.  She told me to cut down on sugar and see if helps.  I did and nothing really happened, but I kinda told her it did (Sorry mom!).

Then I’m kinda forced to admit to myself that I’ve put on some extra weight since quitting smoking, and it’s time to do something about that.  So we get these excercise DVD’s called Insanity.   And right here is where you can start laughing at me, because yes, I do realize how stupid I was to go from an excercise routine that included sitting up and reaching for the remote to one in which the people demonstrating, who already have six, eight, TEN-packs for abs and muscles in places I didn’t know there were supposed to be muscles, are struggling and out of breath and pouring sweat off themselves so profusely that they have to periodically mop the floor with towels.  We should have known when that first 10 minutes was up, we were panting like thoroughbreds who’d just run the Preakness, and the instructor said what a nice warm-up that was and are we ready to get started?!?  Excuse me, sir?  I thought we STARTED 10 minutes ago!!!  10 minutes ago, when I was still blissfully ignorant that this sort of abuse even existed.

But anyway, a few days go by, my body is adjusting to this kind of abuse and I’m almost starting to like it.  However, my feet are in revolt.  They say “We quit!  We are NOT doing this ANYMORE!  Suck it!  We don’t care if you stay fat!”  And it’s a special kind of frustrating when I need to lose weight in order for my feet to feel better, but working out is impossible because my feet hurt.  That’s a catch-22 if there ever was one.  After several days of literally being brought to my knees and to tears, I decide that the time has come.  I must go see a podiatrist.

So I go, he watches me walk, takes some X-rays and tells me that my arches start out quite nicely and then they disappear.  So yeah, FlatFoot McGee over here.  I have a lovely little condition called Plantar Fasciitis, which basically means, the bottom of my foot is stretched to its limit and feels like it want’s to snap, which is what’s causing all the pain.  So he says I need orthotics and the image that my brain immediately conjures is Herman Munster feet.  Fortunately, that’s not the case, and all it will be is inserts that I should be able to put into whatever shoes I choose.  So ok, they wrap my feet in casting material to take the impression and send them off to the lab to do god knows what to them.

A couple of weeks go by and I get the call telling me that they’re ready.  So I go on down to the office and slip these funky things into my shoes.  And I stood up.  Completely without pain for the first time in months.  And the first thought that came to my mind at that moment was “Lieutenant Dan, you got new legs!”

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