Letting go, for good

OK, so this post today is inspired by an article in the NY Times that I came across: A Kite That Couldn’t Be Tied Down.  Go ahead and read that first.  It’s quick and easy and heart-wrenching.  I’ll wait.

See?  Wasn’t it beautiful?  And it got me to thinking a whole lot about this process that all humans go through at some point.  The falling in love for the first time thing.  How crystal clear everything surrounding that time is, how utterly perfect in all it’s hindsight.  And I take it a little further in thinking that a certain aspect of this phenomenon is unique to being gay, because in addition to falling in love for the first time, it’s the ‘who’ we are falling in love with that tells us something entirely new about ourselves.  So not only are we having the butterflies and the swooning, but the whole “Holy shit, I’m in love with a girl” dilemma as well.

But I truly think the thing about this article that struck me the most was that the author, in some way, was looking for some affirmation that she had affected the other person in some way as well.  That what those two people went through together meant something, to both of them.   The fact that her heart skipped a beat when she saw that the object of her affection had felt something on that day, flying a kite in Tienanmen Square, gave meaning to it all.  She had made a difference that had been recognized by someone else.

And of course, all of this, leads to me thinking about my own experiences with my first falling in puppy love episode, which was also my “Oh shit, it’s a girl” moment.   And how I, much like this author, fell hard and fast without much awareness as to what was actually happening to me other than the fleeting thought of  “I wonder why I ONLY want to spend time with L.”  And then she kissed me, and I knew for a concrete fact why I wanted to spend all my time with her.  But again, much like this author, the object of my obsession would inevitably pull away from me and show up with some boyfriend, acting as though what had happened between us was nothing much, when, to me, she was crushing my heart at every turn.

And for the next 3 years, I would remain her “BFF”, while not-so-secretly pining for her, to no avail.  But whenever she would feel me start to slip away, she would have some way to bring me back; brush my hair behind an ear, hold my  hand while we were driving and a few times would even grace me with some kisses and my heart would soar.  But it was always followed by the inevitable drop of my heart, when, if I tried to kiss her again, not on her terms, I would be rejected.  It was the most vicious roller-coaster ride I’ve ever been on.   And eventually, I wizened up enough to make myself get off of this nauseating ride, because no one was keeping me on it but myself.

“The only thing worse than losing her was the realization that I’d never had her.”

And right here, the point that I’ve been trying to get to, is the wondering that has always nagged at me.  The wondering if I had as profound an effect on her life as she had on mine.  And the back of my head knows that the answer has always been No.  That she did love me, in some way, but she was never in love with me.  That yes, I was a good friend with occasional benefits for those few years, but in the end, I was disposable.  And the event that drove us apart for good, was unforgivable to me.  And this is something that I almost never talk about, but I think I have to just write it down, so I can just release it, once and for all.  The thing that drove us apart was that I was raped, in her house, by her brothers best friend, and she did not believe me.  She sided with him, who took something from me that can never be returned, and said that I had lied about it.  And this betrayal, from her, has hurt me more than the actual event that she denied.  There was no going back to her after that.  So I had loved her, and she didn’t even have the courtesy to believe in something that no woman would ever joke about happening.

(*Deep breath*)

He had hurt my body, which is easily healed, and my mind, which took longer, but healed nonetheless.  But she hurt my very heart, which also eventually healed, but not without a reminder in scar form.  And, in a way, these actions on her part caused me to be much more cautious with my heart in the years that would follow.  Almost too cautious, since there was a small period of time where I almost didn’t let HH into my heart.  But I came to realize that everybody wasn’t like L, and that I was worthy of someone who would love me back.

So I guess, in hindsight, she had an effect on the path my life took.  And I’ve always wondered if I had the same affect on her.  But really, it doesn’t matter anymore, so I’m going to let it go.  Yes, it’s part of my past, but it’s also an unchangeable event.  It is what it is and all that jazz.  In some twisted way, it’s led me to my life today and how happy I am with HH and I just have to be grateful for the experience.  But the wondering is stopping today.  It’s over.

I think the author of the article sums things up perfectly with her closing line so I’m going to steal it: “There are so many fruits in the world; we can’t remember exactly who introduced us to what. But we never forget who showed us that there were, indeed, more fruits to discover than we’d ever realized.”

An Update

***NOTICE – Read the post below this first, so you know whats going on. – NOTICE***

So, after purchasing my headphones, I was just uncomfortable walking around with that much cash, so I put it in the bank. Seems reasonable, right?

I get home, rockin out in my new Sony’s and HH notices them so I told her I bought something for myself! Yay! She’s proud. Then we’re thinking of ordering some food for dinner, so she asks me if I have any cash on me. I say no. She said, “I KNOW you didn’t pay $200 for those headphones.” So I put my head down, and admit that I put the rest in the bank.

She stares at me for a few minutes and then says, “I SHOULD SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU! HOW OFTEN DOES IT HAPPEN THAT YOU HAVE JUST EXTRA MONEY LYING AROUND AND I TELL YOU TO PLEASE SPEND IT ON YOURSELF?!?! NEVER! UUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHRRRHHHHH!”

So I calmed her down, by telling her that with the money in the bank, I can ORDER whatever I want. Which was a new bag for her. She just sighed.

What I Want

I did some side work with a friend over the weekend. We painted 4 rooms in an apartment. And while I’ve always done painting in our own apartment many times before, it was always on our own time, not an 8-4 schedule in which we try to get as much done as possible. So, to say I was tired at the end of the day would be a SEVERE understatement. My friend joked that I would sleep like a cannon ball that night, and he did not lie. I have a vague recollection of thinking how comfy my bed was at around 9:15pm, on a Saturday, and then it was 13 hours later. I slept for a full 13 hours. I can’t even tell you the last time that happened. And I woke up sore as hell. Knees, arms, shoulders, all of it, just pain. I really need to get crackin’ at the gym. I truly have a newfound respect for the people of the world who are in the business of physical labor.

But alas, with work, comes money. Cold, hard cash, to be exact. And when payment came on Monday in the form of a couple of crisp $100 bills, well, I just didn’t know what to do. My first instinct was to throw it into the credit card that I just put concert tickets on, and I said as much to HH. And she looks at me. She shakes her head.

HH – Do your knees still hurt?
Me – Yeah.
HH – So you earned that money, right?
Me – Yeah
HH – So why don’t you spend it on yourself?
Me – But. Um. No. It’s ok. I don’t have to do that. I’ll just pay off bills.
HH – PLEASE! Just do SOMETHING for yourself for a change!
Me – Um, Ok.

So yeah, I don’t know how to do that thing where you do something for yourself. Doing things for other people, this I know. HH told me last week that she hasn’t been to a lot of concerts and that she would like to go to some. We now have tickets to at least 3 concerts, 2 of which are huge, we have plans for another 2 and are waiting on tickets to go on sale for another one. She says she wants something, and I make sure she gets it. That’s how I roll. But if I want something, even if I NEED something, I am so reluctant to get it. For any number of reasons: The money could be better spent elsewhere. I just want that, I don’t really need it. But I could buy something for HH instead! Always an excuse to NOT do something for myself.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I go so far over and above the expected for HH, it’s not even funny. I’ve had a cake flown in, overnight, from a bakery in Ohio, because they made a traditional Hungarian cake that she hadn’t tasted since she left Hungary. I’ve kidnapped her, coordinating with her work for the time off, to surprise her with a weekend in a B&B in New Hope, PA. I had a tiny leopard tortoise (yes, a live, rare animal) shipped to my work from California so I could surprise her with him, for her birthday. And yet, I’ll turn down buying myself a new pair of slippers, cause “Nah, the one’s I have are really fine.” (So what if they’ve caused me to fall down the steps? Twice.)

So, in light of this, I went and bought myself new headphones for my iPod today. Cause the one’s I had were frayed and starting to get static-ish. And I spent a whopping $25 on them. Which is a veritable SPLURGE for me! They weren’t the cheapest ones available! I swear, they weren’t. I even considered cheaper ones, but then went back and got the Sony’s. I’ve got like $175 left now. To spend on me. And I don’t know what to do with it.

So here is a list of things that I want, but will most likely NOT go out and get for myself:

– A new hairdo and color that will make me look and feel good
– Another tattoo
– A new watch
– Window tint on my car
– A new ring
– Kitchen gadgets of any variety (https://www.titanpeelersale.com/)
– A new spring jacket
– Gym clothes
– A new phone (but that’ll have to wait till I’m eligible for a new one)
– A new iPod
– Lilith Fair tickets (though, I swear, I’m gonna try and get some of those!)